Sowing Seeds of Happiness
Ah spring finally seems to be here in the Midwest as the daffodils and tulips struggle to bloom. May always makes me think of the May Crowning every year as a child. For those who didn’t grow up Catholic, this is THE month of Mother Mary and usually celebrated by crowning her with flowers. So are we going to talk about horticulture today? You know there is an analogy here of course.
I’ve recently spoken to some people who have been talking about some important needs in their relationship that are not being fulfilled. Some are due to partners not fulfilling requests and some are due to not wanting to bother people with their requests. I’ve also recently watched the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills reunion (yes, I sure do) where Erika tells Amanda, who brags about her earnings in comparison to her husband, that even though he says he doesn’t mind now, those are seeds that will blossom into anger later maybe when things aren’t going well in the marriage. Such a good point!
It got me thinking…everything we do is a seed we plant sure, but even things we DON’T do can also grow into something we did not intend. It brought me to a new meditation question:
In which garden am I planting this seed with this decision I’m making?
Let’s start with the partner who was informed of the requests but consistently does not fulfill them. Let’s call him Patrick. Patrick may be a great partner in a lot of ways and has much to contribute to the relationship. However, noticing when something in the house isn’t tidy is not one of his greatest skills. After years of effort, he still doesn’t understand that dirty dishes in the sink, clothes on the floor, overflowing trash, and more are not going to take care of themselves. His husband who we will call James, continues to plant and water the seed that his partner is a full adult and can do it. However, Patrick is not like James. Patrick and James are not the same person and have different ways of looking at things. I would say James, by expecting each time for Patrick to behave differently, is planting this seed in the Garden of Resentment. James gets angrier every time and eventually there is a full on fight over dishes. But they are just dishes. What is the real problem? Does Patrick just suck as an adult? Or is it that James keeps expecting Patrick to be a different person after all these years. So James, can you be happy AND have a partner who doesn’t always notice these things as much as you do? Those are only questions they can answer.
Now let’s look at Mariam and Zach. Mariam is in the process of finishing an important book, fulfilling a dream and publishing deadlines. Zach has been missing the quality time he usually gets with Mariam. Zach’s love language is physical touch and loves to spend evenings cuddled up on the couch watching TV with her. Recently, she has spent many late nights typing away at her computer. Zach smiles at her and refreshes her drink and gives her the space she needs. He makes a choice not to tell her he misses her because he doesn’t want to bother her or stress her out. He wants to be a source of love and the cheerleader to this big career move. On the surface we might say wow Zach is such a great partner, sacrificing his needs for Mariam in her busy time to get her book published. I’m sure she will thank him and repay him. But will this decision also plant a seed in the Garden of Resentment? Like Erika said, this could explode later when things aren’t going well in the relationship: an argument a few months later, a moment when Zach does ask for something and Mariam says, “sorry, no.” Should Zach approach Mariam and say, “hey, I’ve been missing you, any chance we can have an hour tonight of just being together?” Only they can answer these questions.
Our expectations and assumptions we make up in our heads are occurring without all the facts. We are planting seeds in the dark because we don’t have the full story. Maybe Patrick grew up never having to do those things around the house, but does so much more and doesn’t think it’s that big of a deal or that it is hurting James so much. Maybe Mariam would absolutely take tonight to spend time with Zach, but she just got so wrapped up in writing and thought maybe another day because Zach hasn’t said anything. There’s always way more to the story. Our thoughts and emotions about anything are not the real story; they are automatic responses to external stimuli through an algorithm of our upbringing and conditioning. Our hearts crave authentic connections, but our brains will sometimes stop us. So what would happen if we instead planted the seeds in the Garden of Loving Authenticity. Honesty from a place of peace and love. James might be able to be ok with Patrick only taking care of certain chores 10% of the time while he handles other tasks like home repair and landscaping 100% of the time. Zach might be able to ask for some quality time and Mariam can spare an hour.
By the way, this is NOT limited to romantic relationships. This is for ANY type of relationship: family, coworkers, bosses, friends, the restaurant server.
So the next time we feel a need arising or anger boiling, we can pause and check in with ourselves:
Can I be happy without this? Not that you need to sacrifice your needs, but sometimes we automatically assign this as a condition of our happiness. I think we can be in a place of balance where we can say, “I am still a happy person even if he didn’t clean the dishes.” I’m also certainly not suggesting you sacrifice your boundaries, however your happiness is only conditioned on your choice to be happy. “I am a happy person even though he cheated. I cannot be with him now, but I am still a happy person.” (This was an amazing lesson I learned from reading The Untethered Soul: The Journey Beyond Yourself). I just want you to learn the lesson you can always be happy when you choose to - so take this out of the equation.
How do I request what I want in a loving and peaceful way? It’s in the delivery my friends lol. This is a tough one for me sometimes. For people like me, it’s best to take a breath first and remember you love this person.
Am I open to having my request denied or delayed? Yes, be prepared for any answer. It’s just more information and says nothing about who you are, your value, or how much that person loves you. The information will lead you to the next decision.
What does not having this need fulfilled ACTUALLY mean to me? Where is that meaning coming from? Is it true? Is it absolutely true, beyond any doubt? There is usually some wound that gets poked if we are defensive when a need is not met.
You know what I’m going to say next….coaching is such a great way to explore those parts of yourself triggered by unmet needs or the feeling of not feeling worthy to make requests. You already have all the answers within you, but a coach (like me!) can help you find it under all those dramatic thoughts and emotions we have. If you’re interested, take a look at some of my offerings.
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